A New Era: The Unspoken Realization of Growing Older.

It’s been a while since I’ve published anything on here. When the idea first came to light, I wanted this to be a cooking blog…However, it’s sort of phasing into a personal blog (or public diary I guess).

I have now lived in interior Alaska for almost 6 months now and the time is flying by. Trent and I have now experienced all but one season here…the dreaded, extreme winter. This is something I have been bracing myself for. The closest thing to an actual textbook Winter I have experienced thus far was the rare “Snowpocalypse” a few years ago while I was in college. And even then, that was still above 0 degrees and short-lived. We’re preparing for a season- while entering a new season (of life).

Living in Alaska has been an adjustment. It’s a whole new way of living. Although, yes, we have grocery stores and luckily a small Ulta. It is still drastically different than what I’m accustomed to. We have to sort of think in a sense of “survival”. Yes, I know that sounds a bit dramatic- but it’s truthful. We started from scratch here with nothing but whatever would fit in the vehicle. We have had to ensure fuel tanks are filled, we have plenty chords of dry-wood to offset heating costs, warm enough clothing for subzero temps (-50 degrees), the list goes on. It’s been a learning curve for the both of us, luckily I think Trent honestly enjoys the prep at least a little. Trent seems to take charge of those sort of things, but I’ve really enjoyed learning with him and helping with the things I can. Over the past few weeks a local was kind enough to let us on his property to take as many cut logs as we needed at no cost to us. I surprised myself (I think Trent too) with the amount of strength I unknowingly had. I lifted and loaded maybe 5 or 6 aspen logs into the truck bed by myself, while Trent got the heavier ones ready for the both of us to lift together, or loaded himself. Yesterday evening, he (very) bravely let me use the chainsaw for the first time. This was short-lived, and he will definitely have to recut the entire log haha. Thus, I was quickly demoted to the axe, just marking measurements on the wood for him to cut. We make a pretty good team, I’ll say!

This new journey and the amount of huge changes at once has been overwhelming for me at times. But as of recently, something in my noggin just clicked. I think maybe this is me realizing I’m beginning to heal, or age, or whatever it’s supposed to be referred to as.

Recently in a RuPaul Masterclass clip- I heard the quote, “If you got one foot in the future, and one foot in the past. You’re pissin’ on the present”. For some reason this stuck with me, and really sunk in.

I have always been an over-thinker, a worrier, a ball of well-hidden anxiety. I’ve seen therapists, I’ve been to mental health professionals, but it seems like I was unknowingly avoiding to heal the one thing that mattered most. My inner mindset. Living in an age of a very digitally-social society, it’s easier than it has ever been to lose sight of that. And being in my 20’s, the pressure is on.

The Realization:

I am living this life for the first time. The only thing I have known before this new phase was being a child, being a student, or being on my own for the very first time. I think there’s tons of wisdom out there about being a young adult on your own for the very first time. But no one tells you about the gap between very young adulthood and becoming a mother or your 30s. I’ve heard “it’s all downhill after 25” or “25 is the year for real change”. But everyone is on their own path, and I’ve always seemed to be ahead. No one tells you that once you’re in a career it takes effort and energy to form a routine that works for you. It sometimes takes more energy to actually do that skincare in the morning, or even remember to eat breakfast. But it also takes effort to realize that it’s okay to just be. This is something I tend to struggle with. It’s okay to not live in the same place as your friends or family, it’s okay to experience something new, and it’s okay to prioritize your life- as you only get one. I spent the majority of my life feeling pressure I only put upon myself to always be available for others, to keep in touch with every friend, to make sure every single thing would be approved by societal standards. It’s draining. And I bring that exhaustion onto myself, and for no reason really. But what I’ve come to realize is this, people don’t care as much as you think- so why should you?

The Image of Life You Have…Throw It Out:

I grew up in a home of divorced parents, living in the same little county with both homes only a few miles apart. I had this idea in my head that it would stay that way, parents remarried to other people or not. I had the idea that my grandpa would be alive long enough to meet my husband, or see my sisters and I live through our 30s. And I had an idea that everything I had ever known would essentially stay the same, besides me growing older and growing my own branch within it. But this isn’t what happened.

My dad and step-mother are building an oceanside home on the pacific coast of Oregon. My mom will remain in a whole other city in Texas. My siblings are navigating their own personal journey and place in this world. Friends are raising first, even second or third babies. My grandfather passed my freshman year of college. Family-friends have lost contact. I’m not at some major music label doing management or PR. And, oh yeah, I’m living outside of the lower 48 and eloping with my best friend in 30 days. Nevertheless, things have changed. My plan didn’t stick, and that’s okay. Most have been positive changes. If anything, I’m realizing my immediate family including myself, are breaking the generational cycle of “normal”. Overall, my point comes back to the quote and simply this…Being Present. You can’t plan out your life, or even the week ahead of you. And if you do, you’re setting yourself for disappointment and asking yourself the ultimate question of “Why?” about a thousand times. It’s easier said than done obviously, and it’s taking a lot of daily practice and reminders for myself. But, just. be. present.

Maybe to some older readers, this is kind’ve humorous to you. “Look at this young girl finally putting two and two together. Ha!”. Maybe to some of you, this is relatable- helpful even. My intentions aren’t necessarily to motivate anyone, or be some sort of self help guru. This is simply vulnerable me, documenting my journey.

- Julie’s word vomit of the week.